Making Burundi great again

Burundi is a very fortunate country. True, they had a 12-year tribal civil war killing 300,000, but that ended in 2005. Fewer die these days. As for the economy, many Burundians are spared from having to toil at a job, while a quarter don’t live in extreme poverty!

Burundi’s president, Pierre Nkurunziza, was appointed by God; he’s the nation’s “Eternal Supreme Guide.” If only all lands had one!

He garnered a well-deserved third term in 2015. Some nitpickers cited the Constitution’s two-term limit, but they were taught a salutary lesson, many hundreds sent to an even better place by the Eternal Supreme Guide’s valiant defenders. What part of “eternal” did they not understand?

Nkurunziza plans another re-election in 2020; to pacify even the most annoying nitpickers, there will be voting. However, he wisely foresaw difficulty paying for it, since miserly international donors now snootily stiff Burundi (due to fake news of brutality and corruption). So Nkurunziza prudently introduced an annual “Election Tax,” a mere dollar or so per household. Surely a small price to pay for democracy’s blessings!

Photo from The Economist

The tax is collected by his party’s “youth wing,” appropriately titled “Those Who See Far,” the “Imbonerakure.” (You can’t spell it without “boner.”) Groups of them come to homes bearing sticks. The Economist’s report did not mention carrots, but one can assume their use too. (One should also assume the money collected duly reaches government coffers.)

The Imbonerakure are admirably assiduous, visiting homes repeatedly, and even manning roadside checkpoints, to make sure the tax is paid. Many deadbeats claim they’d already paid; they would, wouldn’t they? But can they show a receipt for their supposed payment? Of course not!

Unresponsive to sticks or carrots, around 350,000 unpatriotic Burundians have slunk away to neighboring Congo. You’d think they’d know of Congo’s awfulness, but some people are oblivious. One woman there was quoted saying the Imbonerakure would come thrice monthly; claiming (or feigning) inability to pay, her whole family, including small children, was beaten up, her husband dragged away, never seen again. Shame on The (failing) Economist for printing such fake news!

Proving again that the press is the enemy of the people. But happily, Burundi itself, thanks to its Eternal Supreme Guide, is free of that curse!

2 Responses to “Making Burundi great again”

  1. Wolfgang Says:

    Yes, and thank the Eternal Supreme Guide that this blog writer would not even think of writing a sarcastic piece for his blog!

  2. Axel Kornfuehrer Says:

    Frank — Thank you for a wonderfully written satire. Thank you

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